War on Radio

So, a couple days ago (more like a week and a half, I guess), I ordered a discography by a band called Car Vs. Driver from a label called Stickfigure. I already had the two disc’s worth of stuff on my computer, but it was 256kbps instead of 320 and I wanted to support the band anyway.

So here I go, ordering the two disc set. I wait. The package comes today. I picked it up as Lizzy and I were leaving the house for work. It looked a little big for what I ordered, but maybe the case was just kind of thick, right?

After lots of Wendy’s drama, I drop Lizzy off and start heading home. Being the jerk I am, I find myself listening to an NPR story about something or another. But the station fades out about halfway home, so I’m all, “Oh, hey, I’ll open the package and listen to part of the CD on the way back!”

Here I am, driving 55 down the road, looking for a place to pull off so I can open the box. I find some abandoned school somewhere and swing off the road to open the package. Oh hell yeah! right?

I finally get the box open and the first thing I see — I am not making this up — is “George W. Bush go straight to fucking Hell.”

…what the fuuuuuck?…

Oh, sweet, this is the CD I orde — no, wait, it isn’t! So at this point I’m too confused to even laugh, because it’s like, hey, totally not what I ordered. But then I see the CD I did order, along with another one. So, okay, not the wrong order. Then I realize what had happened: I’d been given something that wasn’t even worth the price of free.

Man, see, here’s the thing. All those George Bush jokes and references from, like, six months ago are really passe now. It’s like no one even knows who he is anymore. Yeah, maybe in 20 years it’ll be amusing again (if it ever even was), but the first thought after my initial confusion was, “Wow, it’s June 2009 and I just got some ‘I hate George Bush’ material in the mail — which means a couple things. A) I’m going to jail. And B) there are a lot more homosexual obsessions with the former president than I might have thought. I mean, he’s okay looking for his age, but not that good looking.”

So to make a snide political comment here: I hope everyone now realizes how passe George Bush references are and how irrelevant it is to even talk about him anymore. Get off him, or get off him — I don’t care — but if you’re going to do the latter, please don’t send me free CDs about it.

But more on all Bush jive later.

After looking at the CD titles in the box, I noticed there were lots of little leaflets and fliers sticking out. “Well hey, what a clever way to promote your music, I guess. I like Car Vs. Driver. I like bands like Deerhoof, who have put some stuff out through Stickfigure. So maybe I’ll get some stuff I like out of this!”

The first thing I saw made me feel like “George W. Bush go fucking straight to Hell” was actually pretty normal. See, what I saw next made me feel like I was being bombarded with fliers by Juggalos and other ne’er do well jackballs.

Fast forward a little to after I got home. I looked “Zodiac Killer Records” up online and found out that they’re just a bunch of punk douches (thank God, the last thing I need is to be getting mail from people who are ok with putting promotional material from Juggalos in their recipient’s packages), probably skinhead fucktards, who put together stuff featuring bands like “The Unabombers” (okay, kind of clever) and “Copstabber” (uhm, what?) and “Sonic Negros,” the last of which I feel like I’ve heard about somewhere before. As Emily and I are perusing their site, we see “Drink.Fight.Fuck. Volume III” on the side of the page. Now if this sounds a little like your favorite porno (Backdoor Housewives Drinking, Fighting, and Fucking Vol. 12), it’s probably because it does sound like your favorite porno.

Rewinding back to my bemusement in the car, I next notice a pretty harmless leaflet and sticker from Koi Records. I went to their website just now, and I guess they look normal enough. They even have a cute little tag line that goes a little like, “our records sell out….but we don’t!”

As I’m sitting in the car looking over all these fliers, I notice one is glued to the Zandosis “I want to anally penetrate George W. Bush in Hell” CD (which I absolutely cannot wait to rip at 320kbps and listen to at loud volume with headphones, btw). “Oh, this should be a laugh riot,” I think to myself. And sure enough, it’s a hybrid ad for a band called Angel Spit and a clothing line / make-up design school. I’m not making that up, you gotta believe me! I felt like I had entered some Dir en Grey nightmare, surrounded by dolled up chicks in nurse get-ups. But maybe that’s because I was looking at just that sort of thing.

How… strangely erotic.

Oh, that’s sooooo keeee-ut! If you’re curious, and why wouldn’t you be, and want to check out their website, you can go to Miss-X.net. It currently asks you to go to Surgeon-X.com. (And if you’re looking for make-up tips, don’t hesitate to check out Destroy X, because you need all the sinister x things you can get!) I hate to say it, but I must: This looks even more fuck-the-mainstream-y than Fuck the Mainstream.

But you know what’s most amazing about this j-whore scenefest? 21 dollar Butoh Kabuki brushes and $18 eyeshadow applicators!

But hey, what’s this? Something on the other side of the Angel Spit flier? No way, there is?!

You advise the parents… because you’re punk.

I think, for this, there is no need for words…

But on to something that actually doesn’t suck as much as I thought it would!

One of the fliers I got was for a band called Stiletto Boys. I thought this would be ridiculously bad, especially after finding out they were signed to Zodiac Killer. But listen for yourself, it’s really not all that ridiculous. I wouldn’t call it fantastic or anything, but when you’re being promoted alongside Copstabber (who I keep wanting to call Cocksucker, but that’s my fault), you start to shine a little, even if you’re some sort of Blink 182 / Paul McCartney fusion band.

That’s where the fun stops and the Swedish glorious song-along lyrics begin. Yes, another leaflet was for Autodafeh’s NEW CD Hunt for Glory, which is probably really great and amazing because they are “clearly influenced by bands like Front 242 and Nitzer Ebb,” but since no one gives a fuck about them they probably really aren’t as great as I led you to believe.

Then I see that there’s an old fashion paper note that has 4 vinyls listed on it. The first one actually sounds kind of interesting, musically, “Tons of delay and insane guitar sounds create this huge wall of sound.” Hey, cool, I like walls of sound. So do people who kill C list actors no one cares about (oh man, just think if she’d thought to do Oxyclean ads! Then everyone would care about her!), but I do too.

But it goes down hill from there. “Brutal and beautiful. Stark and chaotic. June Paik offer up four of the most epic, most destructive, most apocalyptic lullabies ever committed to vinyl.”

My favorite, though, is the last one. “Split between two apocalyptic emo-violence bands from England. BOW play dark, Uranus influenced [no really] hardcore with huge melodies. Kaddish plays fast, Italian styled emo-violence.” I’m sure they’re nice guys and all, but did you really have to say “Uranus influenced”? I dunno brah. I dunno.

But I’ve saved the best for last! Zombie Cheney on the back of the Zandosis CD!

Do you wonder what Zandosis sounds like? Do you care? You should. Here’s them playing on a tree — yes, playing on a tree (that we later find out killed someone, and has now been “Zandosified”) — in Atlanta. Ah, noise jazz. Ah, noise jazz.

Moving on, would you care to take a look at the titles of the songs on the CD of which I have so generously been gifted? Of course you would! And here they are. (And don’t be afraid to click the “See all 29 tracks on this disc” link, because it’s so worth it.) Do you notice a theme? How could you! There clearly is none, as any theme that might have existed on this CD veers off course at the FUCKING MENTION OF JOHN FUCKING CAGE.

But better yet, the CD, with its one and a half star average, gets a review by a guy who clearly does not get it and just wants to jerk off about liberals.

“How much hate garbage can there be against President Bush? The liberals are truly organized in their hate/smear campaigns…and they scream the loudest and longest if they think someone has said something bad about them. I can’t believe Amazon would sell a piece of trash like this.”

Yes, a CD that has probably been heard by literally dozens of people is part of the organized hate/smear campaign out to ruin George Bush on — wait, what date did you publish this review? January 11th, 2009? So there’s a president elect lurking out there when you wrote this, and you’re still sucking George Bush’s cock? Man, this Bush guy gets a lot of ass. But I’m so not jealous.

Hey, you don’t see this every day: a company ditches its corporate master to be all chill on its own. Congrats, Last.fm. Last.fm is still the greatest music-related social networking site I’ve come across.

Covered, brilliantly (Jesse Walker is an alt radio guy himself), in Reason magazine here and Idolator here, the Performance Rights Act is a massive scam that’ll screw over hosts of musicians.

See, the idea is that radio stations should be happy, under this bogus Performance Rights Act, to pay copyright owners and the occasional performer (if you’re lucky enough to retain your copyright) extra cash for giving their music promotion and rotation.

And since this blog often covers things of an independent and punk variety, it only makes sense to talk about how this impacts indie labels. As Mr. Walker points out:

Ah, you say, but what about the independent artists who don’t get big promotional pushes from the major music labels? Surely they’d benefit from a new revenue stream? Actually, they’ll be even worse off. The economic mission of most commercial radio stations is to deliver audiences to the sponsors whose spots are aired between tunes. So programmers have a built-in preference for music whose mass appeal has already been proven. If you increase the cost of playing a record, that just intensifies the incentive: The more you pay to play a song, the more conservative you’ll be about which songs you play. The marginal cost of playing each track is the same, but the commercial payoff is greater for established artists.

Indie bands didn’t get helped by song-writer bonuses. They don’t even get airplay, realistically. Yeah, we can talk about Tegan and Sara bullshit, but actual indie bands like Black Flag and Minor Threat are not going to get much radio play. So this is yet another attempt at a giveaway to major labels and their minions. Hooray!

Bro, when Trent Reznor thinks you have a problem with illegal substances, it’s probably so. And Trent “former friend” Reznor thinks Marilyn Manson has a problem with illegal substances. Apparently the problem is so great that the man who makes a career out of trying to be a parent-scaring badass is actually capable of breaking down sobbing when he doesn’t get his fix.

It’s not that I mean to make light of the situation, but there is something pretty ridiculous about a guy who prides himself on being a living freakshow actually tearing up a little over his lack of cocaine.

Also, I’d be honored to show up at an AA meeting and get asked for an autograph. But then maybe not…

Until, like, 1 PM Eastern tomorrow or something, you can get one of the greatest CDs of last year free online from the record label. Cool stuff!